The Food and Drug Administration has officially declared that everything is a chemical. The ruling covers seemingly harmless elements like hydrogen and oxygen as well as complex substances like dihydrogen monoxide, commonly known as water.
"We've realized that trying to distinguish between chemicals and non-chemicals is futile," said an FDA spokesperson, who appeared oddly giddy at the press conference. "Everything is made of atoms and molecules, which are the building blocks of chemicals. It's a simple, elegant truth."
The decision clears the way for every substance, whatever its composition, to be used in food, drugs and cosmetics. Consumers can expect a surge of new products with previously unheard-of ingredients, such as pure carbon, nitrogen and trace amounts of plutonium.
"The possibilities are endless!" the spokesperson said, waving a vial of glowing liquid. "Imagine a shampoo made with pure helium, or a breakfast cereal fortified with uranium. It's a whole new world of flavor and functionality."
Some health experts have raised concerns. The FDA says all approved substances have undergone rigorous safety testing. Pressed for details, the spokesperson giggled and replied, "It's all chemicals, darling! What could possibly go wrong?"
