Forget overpriced neurologists and their fancy MRI machines. Our revolutionary new service will unlock the secrets of your mind for the low, low price of absolutely nothing.
Our team of highly unqualified but enthusiastic neuro-experts will assess your cognitive abilities using a range of unorthodox methods:
- The crystal ball gaze. Our resident psychic channels your brainwaves through a crystal ball, revealing your hidden talents, deepest fears and favorite ice cream flavor.
- The palm reading prognosis. Our palm reader traces the lines of your hand to decipher your personality, your future career and your odds of winning the lottery.
- Tarot card therapy. Our tarot enthusiast lays out the cards for insight into your subconscious desires, relationship struggles and ideal vacation destination.
- The phrenology frenzy. Our phrenology fanatic examines the bumps on your head to determine your intelligence, creativity and propensity for mischief.
- Aura analysis. Our aura photographer captures the energy field around your body, revealing your emotional state, spiritual well-being and compatibility with your crush.
As a bonus, every assessment comes with a free horoscope and a personalized affirmation based on your zodiac sign.
Ditch the brain scans and embrace the power of pseudoscience. Walk-ins welcome. Please remove your hat before the phrenology.
