Titusville residents are running out of patience with a police force that answers reports of vandalism, theft and assault with a shrug and the same sentence: "That's a civil matter. Take it to court."
Gossip columnist Grungella woke to find her garden gnomes beheaded and arranged in a pentagram on her lawn. The responding officer said it sounded like a neighborly dispute. "We don't handle gnome-related grievances, ma'am," he said, and declined to take the heads into evidence.
Grognak walked out of the Smelly Boar Tavern to find his car spray-painted with the words HONK IF YOU'RE TRACKED. The officer on duty yawned. "Consider it a compliment, sir. We've got bigger fish to fry."
The case residents cite most belongs to Snargle and Stinky, who have now reported Gnarla's disappearance with their $60 Dragon's Breath investment 41 times. "Sounds like a contract dispute, fellas," a desk sergeant told them last week. "Take it to small claims." Snargle notes that Gnarla posts a new makeup tutorial every Tuesday, and that nobody at the department has watched one.
Local businesses report shoplifting sprees. Teenagers report a wave of bike thefts. The bronze boar outside the Smelly Boar Tavern was found wearing a traffic cone as a hat.
"It's like the Wild West out here," Grungella wrote in her column this week. "The cowboys left, the outlaws stayed, and the sheriff is on his lunch break until 2027."
The department has not issued a statement. Sources inside describe a "prioritize and triage" approach brought on by budget cuts, low morale and, in one officer's words, "a pretty rough weekend."
Officers reached at the station said GNN's questions sounded like a civil matter and suggested we take it to court.
