Tired of boring old goblin parties? Craving more excitement, and existential dread? Here is GNN's practical guide to summoning a Lovecraftian horror into your own cave.
GNN is not responsible for any sanity loss, property damage or cosmic annihilation resulting from this guide. Summon at your own risk.
Step 1: Set the mood
- Dim the lights, or put them out entirely if you're feeling adventurous.
- Light candles rendered from the fat of unspeakable creatures.
- Chant ominous incantations in a language you don't understand. Bonus points for gibberish.
- Put on a soundtrack of discordant notes and eldritch whispers.
Step 2: Prepare the offerings
Traditional: live chickens, goats or unsuspecting gnomes (optional), arranged in a pentagram, or a crude approximation, on the cave floor, with a generous libation of fermented mushroom juice to the Elder Gods.
Squeamish or budget: crude drawings of chickens, clay gnomes, and swamp water or expired goblin soda in place of the juice. It's the thought that counts, and the audacity.
Step 3: Recite the incantation
Choose your horror (Cthulhu, Nyarlathotep, Azathoth). Find something creepy and incomprehensible online, or make it up. Recite it with gusto, leaning into the guttural sounds.
Step 4: Brace for arrival
If it works, the air will crackle, the walls will tremble and a sense of impending doom will wash over you. Expect a giant cephalopod, a winged serpent or a shapeless blob of cosmic terror. Remain calm, or scream. Your choice.
Step 5: Negotiate, or run
Offer tribute: shiny objects, fermented beverages, eternal servitude. If negotiations fail, run, and pray to whatever you believe in.
Happy New Year.
