MUDDY HOLLOWS — In a baffling breakthrough that has left our top arcane-technicians scratching their ears, the Goblin News Network (GNN) signal-spire recently intercepted a murky, high-frequency transmission originating from a highly unstable alternate dimension.
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
The intercepted broadcast, which buzzed through our ether-receivers late last night, appears to be an advertisement and excerpt-readout for an otherworldly text titled Poor [REDACTED]’s Almanac. According to GNN’s preliminary dimensional scans, the work is attributed to a prominent alternate-realm figure named "Benjamin Cranklin."
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Read Full Investigation >>A "Masterwork" for Gentlemen?
Linguists at the GNN Cryptology Lab have worked around the clock to decipher the signal’s garbled audio and erratic text fragments. From what researchers can gather, the publication is framed as an essential guide or "masterwork" designed to assist self-described "Gentlemen" in the careful selection and maintenance of a "side piece."
The discovery has triggered widespread confusion across the GNN research facility.
"We are utterly at a loss as to what any of this actually means," stated Chief Arcane Scholar Gribble, holding up a smoking roll of printed tele-text. "Initially, our team assumed a 'side piece' referred to a secondary sidearm, like a backup flintlock or a concealed dirk. But the text repeatedly references 'discretion,' 'presents of fine silk,' and 'visiting under the cover of dusk.' Why would anyone need to be discreet about carrying an extra dagger?"
Other scholars theorize that a "side piece" might refer to a side dish at a feast—perhaps a secondary slab of roasted marsh-hog—though the text's emphasis on conversation and emotional entanglement renders the culinary theory equally suspect.
"In the Dark, All Cats Are Grey"
The intercepted text reportedly contains a series of bizarre maxims and philosophical quotes attributed to Cranklin. One particular phrase—"In the dark, all cats are grey"—has sent GNN’s Tactical Reconnaissance Division into a spiral of debate.
"Is Cranklin suggesting that darkvision doesn't work in his realm?" asked War-Boss Krag during a morning press briefing. "Or is he warning us that felines in Universe-77-B possess active camouflage? If this almanac is meant to be a military handbook for choosing tactical support, the advice is dangerously vague."
Investigations Ongoing
As of this morning, GNN scientists have placed the intercepted transmission reel inside a lead-lined containment chest to prevent further cognitive strain on the newsroom staff. Translation efforts have been temporarily paused after two junior researchers suffered severe headaches trying to figure out why an alternate-dimension human would require a complex system of etiquette just to acquire a secondary companion.
GNN will continue to monitor the trans-dimensional airwaves for further updates on the mysterious Benjamin Cranklin and his inscrutable literature.
If any readers hold a certified degree in Alternate-Realm Human Relations or understand why anyone would write an entire almanac about courtship math, please submit your notes to the GNN Editorial Desk immediately.
