By Grizzle Quickquill, Senior GNN Ethics & Necromantic Affairs Correspondent
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
If you tried to take the Upper Cavern commuter rails this morning, you probably noticed two things: the tracks were completely blockaded by heavily armored clerics chanting anti-executive-branch wards, and every single billboard between here and the fungal farms had been replaced with breaking tabloid alerts about 16-year-old goblin pop sensation Skritch Bile-Throat.
According to the Goblin Council of Elders, the sudden deployment of three hundred freshly respec’d Oath of the Term-Limit Paladins to the surface border is merely a routine readiness drill. And according to those same Elders, the real story you should be paying attention to is that Skritch accidentally wore a hollowed-out badger on his head to a smoothie shop! Look how silly he is!
Do not look at the surface entrance. Do not listen to the echoing, spectral voice booming about the "League of Nations" through the ventilation shafts.
Here is what the Council doesn't want you to know: 28th U.S. President Woodrow Wilson has risen from the grave, he is furious, and he wants his stuff back.
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Read Full Investigation >>Multiple inside sources within the Deep-Delvers Guild have confirmed to GNN that a sanctioned looting party recently breached a secret, warded subterranean mausoleum beneath Washington D.C. During the raid, scavengers pilfered an artifact of terrifying arcane power: The Fourteen-Pointed Pince-Nez of Princeton—a pair of wire-rimmed spectacles pulsing with pure, concentrated 1919 bureaucratic dominion.
The artifact was delivered directly to the Goblin Council of Elders last Tuesday. By Thursday, tectonic sensors detected a massive necrotic spike as a skeletal figure in a rotting three-piece suit tore its way out of the crypt, radiating an aura of severe academic condescension and demanding the immediate return of his phylactery.
When pressed at this morning’s emergency briefing about the glowing-eyed former Commander-in-Chief currently melting the outer blast doors with spectralvetoes, Council Spokesgoblin Grubs Vane-Snatcher flatly denied the existence of both the artifact and the 1912 Democratic ticket.
"There is no undead American president clawing through Sector 4, and the Council certainly does not possess a pair of omnipotent spectacles that allow the wearer to redraw continental borders at will," Vane-Snatcher told reporters, sweating profusely through his ceremonial velvet robes. "Now, why are we talking about moldy surface myths when Teen Heartthrob Skritch just dropped his trousers in a ornamental fountain and tried to French-kiss a cave carp?! GNN Entertainment has 40 exclusive woodcuts of the incident! Look at the shiny celebrity, you illiterate tunnel-rats!"
Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
Despite claiming that everything is completely normal, the Council issued an overnight mandatory patch to the city garrison. Every standard-issue dungeon guard has had their skill tree forcibly reset by state warlocks into a hyper-specific Anti-U.S.-President Paladin build.
GNN obtained a leaked copy of the garrison’s new combat doctrine, which forces troops to trade their standard rust-spears for silver-plated filibuster scrolls and shields inscribed with the 22nd Amendment. Their new passive buffs include:
- Smite the Executive (+80% Radiant Damage): Specifically calibrated against undead entities who have formerly held the office of Governor of New Jersey or President of Princeton University.
- Aura of Congressional Gridlock: Reduces the movement speed of any nearby early-20th-century progressive interventionists by 65%.
- Protection from the Federal Reserve Act of 1913: Grants the caster temporary immunity to macroeconomic hexes and gold-standard curses.
When asked why the city’s entire defense budget was spent overnight to counter a single, hyper-specific historical statesman if the rumors are false, Vane-Snatcher insisted the mobilization is purely "just in case."
"Look, you never know when a reanimated member of the American executive branch might wander into the caverns," Vane-Snatcher stammered as the ceiling plaster cracked from the sound of a distant, booming lecture on self-determination. "Maybe Chester A. Arthur shows up! Maybe Millard Fillmore gets ideas! It’s basic municipal preparedness! Now please, for the love of the Hoard, go read our 14-page spread on whether Skritch is dating a stalagmite!"
At press time, residents of Upper Sector 2 are advised to stay indoors, ignore the spectral locomotive whistling "Over There" in the dark, and remember to vote in the GNN Teen Choice Poll: Was Skritch’s Carp-Kissing Stunt Cringe or Based?
