By Griznik "The Eyeball" Twitcher
Senior Editor, Goblin News Network (GNN)
Posted from: The Lower Tunnels (I think? Time has lost all meaning)
LISTEN TO ME. PUT DOWN YOUR TOAD-JUICE. DROP THAT FERMENTED MUSHROOM SLOP RIGHT NOW.
Griznik has made a discovery. A revelation. A gift from whatever dark, chaotic gods watch over our damp little warrens.
It is called COFFEE.
I am writing this editorial at 4:45 AM. Or PM. It doesn't matter. Time is a lie constructed by creatures whose hearts do NOT beat three hundred times a minute! My chest sounds like a goblin drum-circle during a blood moon, and I HAVE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE.
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Read Full Investigation >>WHAT IS IT?
It is black mud-water made from roasted bean-seeds. A human merchant dropped a sack of it during the raid on Mill Creek last Tuesday. Normally, we burn human cargo or throw it at the cave-pigs. But Snaggle—bless his greasy little soul—accidentally spilled some into a pot of boiling river-water.
It smelled like burnt dirt, hot lightning, and victory.
I took a sip.
BAM.
It was like getting kicked in the forehead by a mule made of pure, unfiltered ENERGY.
WHY TOAD-JUICE IS DEAD TO ME
For centuries—CENTURIES!—our people have relied on swamp-water and fermented fungus to get through the night shift. What does fungus wine give you? A headache and a weird rash on your elbows.
You know what COFFEE gives you? OMNIPOTENCE.
Since drinking three skull-cups of the Dark Nectar two hours ago, I have:
- Written seventeen articles for GNN (all of them incredible).
- Dug a brand-new escape tunnel under Chief Brakk’s hut using only a soup spoon.
- Re-organized the GNN shiney-rock stash by hue, size, and level of threat.
- Fought a cave-rat. (I won. I bit it).
- Learned how to read human cursive (I can't actually do this, but my brain is moving so fast I FEEL like I can).
My eyes haven't blinked since midnight. My eyelids are useless flaps of skin! Why close your eyes when the world is FULL OF SHINY THINGS TO DO RIGHT NOW?!
A WARNING TO THE WARRENS
Chief Brakk says the bean-water is "human witchcraft" and tried to ban it. I threw an empty mug at his head and ran up the tunnel walls like a gecko. He cannot catch me. NO ONE CAN CATCH ME. I AM PURE SPEED. I AM THE BEAN.
To all goblins reading this on the tunnel noticeboards: Forget stealing human cattle. Forget stealing their fancy silk shirts. Next raid, you head straight for their pantries. Look for the little brown beans. Grind them with your teeth if you have to! Boil the water! DRINK THE LIGHTNING!
Coffee isn't just a drink, brothers and sisters. It is our ASCENSION.
All hail the Dark Bean. GNN OUT! (I'm going to go chew on a rock now to see if my teeth can break it!)
