Image credit: GoblinLife Vault
DEEP CAVERNS (GNN) — Stop scrolling. Take your hand off the mouse, set the phone face-down on whatever grease-stained surface is nearest to you, and look at your reflection in the dark glass of the screen.
You just read the whole thing, didn't you?
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Read Full Investigation >>You didn't just glance at the picture of GODUDE next to A BRICK, exhale sharply through your nose, and move on with your life. No, your eyes tracked all the way from the top of the image to the very bottom.
You absorbed a completely fabricated anecdote about a little goblin child at a Pokamon card swap meet in the deep caverns.
You looked at a low-resolution JPEG of a red clay paver sitting in the dirt. You read the words "WAIT... A BRICKDUDE?!" and your brain dutifully processed it as human communication.
Worse yet, you kept going. You read the entire bottom caption.
You sat there, burning finite seconds of your one mortal lifespan, and allowed a machine-generated paragraph to explain to you—an adult creature capable of operating a web browser—that bricks are real-life building materials known for their blocky shapes, rough textures, and lack of legs.
You read the sentence noting that you can throw both of them to break things, and your prefrontal cortex didn't even trigger a defensive seizure.
We are issuing this bulletin from the Goblin News Network Wellness Desk to inform you that you are officially, terminally cooked.
Your dopamine receptors are no longer biological tissue; they have calcified into rough-textured, legless masonry. Years of algorithmic trough-feeding have eroded your cognitive firewall to the point where you will passively graze on a screenshot of a fake tweet inside a fake Facebook post hosted on a goblin satire website, reading every last syllable like a medieval peasant deciphering a papal bull.
Part of your brain was probably even gearing up to answer the question at the bottom about what other Pokamon look suspiciously similar to real-life building materials. You were half a second away from typing "Duraludon looks like an HVAC duct" into a comment box that doesn't exist.
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Read Full Investigation >>There is nothing left for you on the internet tonight. You have reached the bedrock of the content mines, and you are currently licking the gravel.
Mandatory Remediation Protocol
1. Close this tab immediately. Do not open a new tab to check the same three websites you just checked four minutes ago. Nothing has happened on any of them.
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Read Full Investigation >>2. Do not click "See less" on the image. It is a flat JPEG. The button isn't real. The fact that your thumb twitched toward it is proof that your nervous system is running on salvage title.
3. Shut down the machine. Stand up, walk away from the glow of the monitor, drink a glass of tap water that hasn't been flavored with artificial syrup, and lie down in the dark until your brain forgets what an engagement-bait caption looks like.
If you are still reading this sentence, we cannot help you. Enjoy your brick.
