Scholars and linguists have announced that words can have more than one meaning.
The discovery has left experts questioning everything they thought they knew about language. "It's simply mind-boggling," said Dr. P. Enultimate, professor of literature at the University of Verbosity. "We always assumed words had fixed, singular meanings. Our entire understanding of language has been built on a faulty premise."
The revelation came during a symposium on Shakespeare, when a debate broke out over the word "love." Some scholars argued for a romantic reading, others for a platonic one. Then the truth dawned on them: "love" could mean both, and countless other things, depending on context.
Professors are frantically revising their syllabi. Dictionaries are being hastily updated. Book clubs are grappling with the newfound ambiguity of their favorite novels.
"It's chaos," said a distraught reader, clutching a worn copy of Pride and Prejudice. "How am I supposed to interpret Mr. Darcy's declaration of love now? Does he mean romance, or friendly affection? It's driving me mad."
"Language is far more slippery than we ever imagined," Dr. Enultimate said. "Who knows what other secrets it may hold?"
Merriam-Webster said it would issue a statement once it had agreed internally on what "statement" means.
